@CantWaitToNap: Don't expect a "bless you" after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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@better_off_dad: *at divorce court Me: She hasn't touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor. Judge: I'm sorry - What?? Her: I win, right?
@TheTweetOfGod: People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
@MrsGoose69: Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge? 5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff...
@0point5twins: STUDENT: what's it like being drunk? TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12. STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.