Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
time for some seasonal decor
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here