Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes