Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side