Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
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A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times