Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
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*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Love this one 😂🧟
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife