[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
You Might Also Like
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar