Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”