Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
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THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.