Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
yes… yes…
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers