Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced