Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
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I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
yeah 😭
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.