Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price