ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
You Might Also Like
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Shower sex be like:
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!