@thatUPSdude: Don't forget to check your kid's candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew's Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
@prufrockluvsong: Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It's always "you can't do crane kicks here" and "ma'am please leave the zoo immediately".
@HomeProbably: Her: Give me a chat up line? Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper? Her: *laughs* Because I'm so captivating? Me: No, you smell like an animal.
@MarkTConard: Someone hash-tagged "share the love," and I read it as "shave the love." I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.