Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach