Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
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I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I already tried new things thanks.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me too
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!