@_davidlucas_: Don't forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
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@maisonwithapen: *stands near cute dude in store* ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
@SethMacFarlane: I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn't mean the world is ending.
@lecalabara: Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
@chris_isloi: Whenever two people argue over something, yell out "OBJECTION" and then contradict the one wearing something you don't like.