@sixfootcandy: Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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@badbanana: Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
@Brianhopecomedy: You're probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
@kentgrossarth: Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can't chug this entire beer, right now.
@davidschneider: I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.