Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.