Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers