wow he looks just like him
You Might Also Like
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Hero horse inspires millions
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
*struts into the new year
~ trips
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts