@TheMichaelRock: Don't forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair: When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I'm giving them for their battles...
@Weird_Rash: Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.
@DadandBuried: I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out "be careful!" every few minutes without looking up from my phone.