Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
the short answer to this question
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot