My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
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I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?