Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
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Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
me after eating Cheetos
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
the simulation is moving too fast
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice