Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor