Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”