@AndyAsAdjective: captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

@MrRamBillings: Never buy the first round cause that's when people care what they're drinking!

@DaddyJew: *slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?

@vikkaroni: Job interview HR: What's your best asset? Me: I have an excellent memory. HR: Give me an example. Me: Of what?

@Celestinelea90: I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.