@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.

@AaronChewning: *overheard behind me on a plane* Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair” 6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

@captainkalvis: Him: how old are you? Me: *holding up fingers* this many Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?

@SpeakComedy: Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ;)

@MacAnnabella: "That wasn't chicken in the Chow Mein" I'd make a great Fortune Cookie writer.