@Jenny4ashley: Don't forget when you're tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You're welcome.
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@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.
@AaronChewning: *overheard behind me on a plane* Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair” 6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
@captainkalvis: Him: how old are you? Me: *holding up fingers* this many Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?
@SpeakComedy: Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ;)