Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
August 8
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*