Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
And now we wait
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick