@dixinormus10: Don't get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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@Marlebean: Me: My neighbor who's a doctor said it's healthy to sleep nude Friend: What type of dr? Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
@slimmy_shady: My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
@amishschool: Dropped mother-in-law at airport. Her flight isn't until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
@bombsydoll: "I am not a human garbage disposal" *eats leftover mac n cheese anyway* *makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*