@dixinormus10: Don't get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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@WilliamAder: Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I'm not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
@Ristolable: ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
@TheCatWhisprer: The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
@Smethanie: My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.