@dixinormus10: Don't get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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@batkaren: Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won't stop grinding its teeth.
@KentWGraham: Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
@LookAwayMomDad: I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.
@SouthrnPinUpMom: Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...