Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.