Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?