Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
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Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.