Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed