Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
why no one uses midhusbands
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.