@dlockw21: Don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day. I repeat, don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day.
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@shashaintl: Him: Are you gonna kill me? Me: WHAT? Him: Your mood swings. I figured today's the day I die. Me: Him: *whispers* Please don't hurt me.
@Kyle_Raney: "This won't end well, mark my words. Mark, my words. MARK. MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!" *Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
@RocketRankoon: "What time is it?" *pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away* *Still has no idea what time it is*