Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
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My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Body by Oreos
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.