Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I just love that new Pope smell.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”