Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
me after drinking all the wine:
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?