Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
#ParentingFacts
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.