@trevso_electric: Don't give your heart to someone unless you're 100% certain that you're dead.
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@Kyle_Lippert: A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond "Could this night get any worse?" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
@Lisa_Laughs_: He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I'll ask again when he wakes up.
@bea_ker: Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"
@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.