Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
nice challenge
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower