Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.