Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
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Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm