Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
(Electricians.)
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single