Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related