If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
You Might Also Like
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.