Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
cyclists
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.