@andylassner: Don't hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@Fruit_Slinger: I'm hungry but broke so I'm waiting for my bf to say he's hungry too than he'll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.
@Chumpstring: [grocery store] MOM: omg where's my kid??! KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle MOM: oh thank heavens