REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?