When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
You Might Also Like
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.