little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.