If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
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Cow it started Cow it’s going
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
giddy up Office Depot
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.