don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE