Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
broke down and did it
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
bought wrong eggs
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.