Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.