My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
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Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.