@Brentweets: Don't have a "Garage sale" if I can't buy your garage idiot.
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@AntozWolf: I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
@Real_Dick_Head: *gets first nose bleed since childhood* Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
@jake_likes_naps: [in hospital] son: what happened dad me: bar fight son: over what? me: he said... *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
@Dutch_50: I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.