Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
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The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.