@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination
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@shatterpants: I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [God creating cheesecake] GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good ANGEL: shouldn't u share it? GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
@J_Illunninati: I can't wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.