@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Reverend_Scott: Is athlete's foot [gulp] fatal, doc? "Not with the proper treatment." *gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last— ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@UncleDuke1969: Her: What do you do? Me: Global prosthetics distribution. Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman? Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
@oakhillbargrill: Pillow 1: I hate their big heads Pillow 2: And that dandruff Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs Pillow 2: GROSS *Pillow Talk