@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination
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@IncrediblyRich: I'm going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids? Me: When are you going to stop?
@tacsanitchiban: Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard? Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
@laurajennyjo: *knock knock* Go away I'm not home "I can hear you" I can hear you too..go away "I brought food" What kind of food