Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
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Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Bed should get ready for ME
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.