@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination
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@blondecalamity: Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever? Son: Oprah! Me: Gimme the damn cookies back! Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!
@stevevsninjas: me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride's side? lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
@DirtMcTurd: Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it