@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination
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@pizza_dragon: Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco. Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he's away on fishing weekends.
@scarfdud: my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn't even tell me what to do with it
@jeannerbeaner: My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don't like it.